JOser Funny Status Messages

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...

   I'm installing plywood doors in my house so I can karate chop them down like a badass when I enter each room.

   Google just returned 3,250,000,000 results for my search. Cancel my afternoon appointments.

   Why is in that in America they make the sick walk all the way to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

   The Deadliest Catch would be so much cooler if they'd plant a serial killer on each boat.

   Today is the 1 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. I will be randomly grabbing my crotch in his memory for the rest of the day.

   doesn't suffer from stress. he's a carrier...

   Playboy in 3-D! Take that, 18 billion hours of free, readily available Internet porn.

   don't you just hate it when you think you've bought a mail order bride on a Chinese language website, then realize you've adopted a panda?

   Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for today.

   If love is blind does that mean divorce is lasik surgery?

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence... now go away...

   The new version of Pac-Man was so awesome, it came with a search engine built into it... Can we have it back...?

   often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.

   just drove passed a Budweiser Delivery truck wrecked on the side of the freeway, oh the humanity... I'd like a moment of silence please...

   Only spell it "errbody" if literally each person in the club is gettin tipsy.

   I'm getting bored with gravity. Time for an update with new features, universe!

   "I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win

   Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other coworkers" and I circled "absolutely false"?

   Just tending to my rock garden, seeing if I can get a statue to grow.