StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been pounded more than the I in Pixar.

   Last week my best friend who was Chinese died. I went to China to attend the funeral and pay my respects. When people close to you die, it's weird how you see their face everywhere you look.

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google's homepage.

   Let me eat your face off.....said no pot head ever!

   "I wasn't that drunk" Dude you threw a sock at a midget and screamed "Dobby be free!"

   People who say "money can't buy happiness" have apparently never used money....to buy a bag of weed : )

   It all went to hell when attacking what we hate became more important than defending what we love.

   The only way I know if I've bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger

   I stopped believing for just a few minutes. Now Journey is all pissed at me.

   My porn star friend recently passed away. As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

   If I woke up beside you every morning, I would be a morning person.

   I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through!

   Sex is like pizza. When's it's good it's good. When it's bad it's still pretty good.

   Let's give thanks we live in a country where political disagreements are expressed with poorly spelled Facebook posts instead of missiles.

   Whenever someone spells something wrong, I always look to see if the two letters are close on the keyboard.

   I had 3 bowls this morning. 1 of them was cereal...

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that sh!t.

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to f*ck with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single day

   For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they could do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting!