Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I Was just involved in a 'Canadian standoff....' (we were each holding the door open, insisting the other go first)

   You can't fix stupid.... You can however,,, interview it on the news when you need a good eyewitness.

   I'm thinking,, If the plot of Fresh Prince had been reversed, and Carlton had to go live in Philly, it probably would have been on HBO

   Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day.. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying for the rest of her life.

   No one has higher hopes than a newly divorced man in his 40's selecting his first bottle of Axe body spray

   My automatic ice maker has 2 settings... 1) Off....... 2) It's 3 AM & There's a Killer in the Kitchen

   I think all the women who don't get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.

   So... Where does one obtain minions?

   My BEST ever fart,, was the one that made my Grandmother turn round and say "Robert? Who's Robert?"

   Anyone else with a Blackberry wanna play Draw Nothing?

   My bucket list is still half Original Recipe,,, and half Extra Crispy.

   Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.

   Hey,,, guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes,,,,,, NOBODY likes you.

   Relax,,, We're all crazy.. It's not a competition.

   Huh?,, Daylight Saving Time is this weekend?,,,,I'm not going to lose any sleep over it

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 8 or 9 times, just to be sure.

   My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we're mostly pricks.

   If you love something, set it free... If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.

   Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle............ * A Cramp Stamp

   I wanted to stop for McDonald's this morning but the line was too wide.