Funny Status Messages

   I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

   Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

   I'd like to cancel my subscription to 2021. I've experienced the 7-Day Free Trial and I'm not interested.

   Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

   This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

   just gave my 5yo power of attorney

   in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

   Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

   Spent too much money over Christmas so tonight I'm going to party like its $19.99

   A big difference between men and women I've found during my 60 years of living is that if a woman says 'smell this' it's likely to smell nice.

   Remember to double check lawn signs during the election primaries. I just tried to vote for a real estate agent...

   The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks. I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

   I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked.. but that’s rare.

   I'm such a procrastinator, I'm just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

   Felt something cold and wet on my arm, damn mosquito used an alcohol wipe before he bit me.

   Having some states lockdown, and some states not lockdown is like having a peeing section in the pool.

   Everyone here is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

   This social distancing is stressing out the flat-earthers I’m afraid it may push them over the edge!

   Since it is actually impossible to know which part of my life is the middle, I've decided to have a on-going crisis.

   Beavers don't go to heaven. In the afterlife they are sent to eternal dam nation.