Funny Status Messages

   There's anxious, then there's me,, trying to get my tires lined up on the tracks at the car wash

   I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.

   Hey NFL, How about cracking down on all your players breaking the law? One would think a guy you're paying millions a year would be held to a higher moral compass than your average Joe.

   I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up

   Sorry to break it to you but,,,,, (1) I have high self esteem (2) I don't need your money; and (3) I hate drama....... So.....

   I am looking for contributors to the go F#ck yourself foundation I am starting. . .

   Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!

   A classic model Bentley owned by Keith Richards sold over the weekend for $1.2 million and features a secret compartment for storing drugs. The compartment is called Keith Richards.

   Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.

   Just because I constantly think of ways to make your life miserable doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

   With all this government shutdown, Rage Against The Machine should reunite. Plenty of new material.

   I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

   I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.

   Guys, man up. Your woman doesn't need two pu$$ies.

   This woman at the mall doesn't even seem to care that I found a lump on her breast that she didn't know about.

   Of course J-Lo can act, she's been pretending she can sing for years now.

   What time does the funny stuff start around here? I can come back…

   Its so humid I don't need to drink water I can breath it.

   thinks rap promotes punching, boastfulness, and disrespect toward ho's.

   I think if I were to stop suddenly... my son would find himself lodged somewhere in my colon.