Funny Status Messages
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My life's one long beer commercial. 
No, you pay with drugs.
Whenever I select "Next day delivery" for an online purchase, I imagine all these people running around yelling, "Code Red. Code Red!!" and scurrying like crazy.
It's not an eating disorder if you're just trying to fit into your 300 dollar jeans, it's a financial obligation.
The best way to a woman's heart is by saying three words ''- You lost weight...!!!!
Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flinstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard
Why is anybody sad about Aaron Hernandez killing himself? He is a murderer. It's funny how people act like he's an angel now.
"The best kinda 'jobs' are under the table." - Bill Clinton
State Department informed hillary about the email investigation so she could destroy any evidence. She trained and gave weapons to a ISIL to go fight in syria. She thinks Gays are unnatural dirty and nasty. Gay marriage is acceptable to keep their vote
In Trump's opinion, his staff member who made fun of John McCain's terminal illness isn't a "traitor," but the people who told the press about it are.
Never trust a woman who doesn't fart. You don't know what else she might be holding back.
Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
Zuckerberg claims he wears a gray t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things tht don't matter. BTW, he created Facebook.
My super power? forgeting what I’m talking about halfway through a sentence
My house was once haunted by a poltergeist so I walked around naked for a week and it never came back...
I'm mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
My bucket list, is just me wanting to sit on a throne,, and slow clap sarcastically after somebody's speech.
Shutting the government down is just an excuse from spiteful idiots in congress to get a free paid vacation.
Turning on someone's seat warmer in the car without them knowing is a good way to have them think they're peeing their pants for a minute.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn't even apply for the job. 