StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I'm a leader. Not a follower. Unless it's a dark place, then f*ck that sh*t you're going first.

   Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.

   The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.

   A woman's heart is just as dumb as a guy's d*ck.

   You had me at 0 mutual friends..

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

   One man's face is another man's lunch.

   iOS 8 let's you passcode lock specific apps? It's fun imagining how many break ups that will cause

   I saw this big guy in brand new Nikes running down the road with a huge TV in his arms. I thought briefly, "That looks like mine." Then I realized, mine wears adidas.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.

   Do people who wear Tapout know that that's the name for what the loser does?

   Cell phones ruined pushing people into pools

   I don't do drugs. I just smoke weed.

   A friend of mine told me he had sex with his girlfriend and her twin, I asked how he could tell them apart, and he said her brother has a mustache.

   Dear McDonalds, if you start serving breakfast all day you will get more of my money. Sincerely, Supply and Demand.

   If schools were really serious about fundraisers, they'd sell drugs and alcohol.

   Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?

   I hate when my customers send angry emails to my boss just because I answered all of their questions with "Google it, f*ckface."

   Everyone makes mistakes, accept for me.