Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My latest superpower is waking up one minute before my alarm goes off..... It's actually a very stupid superpower.

   If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.

   Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too

   If I ever get rich, the first thing I'm going to do is start calling my comforter a duvet... And then maybe I'll learn all the names for lettuce.

   Personal log: "We are not even close."... *-Romans building Rome, end of day 1

   I'm at my most "Indiana Jones" when I grab a tupperware out of the cabinet & slam the door real fast so the rest don't fly out everywhere.

   BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

   I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music,, denigrate means ‘put down'.

   Uhm, excuse me waiter... I'd like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.

   Million dollar idea: Vasectomy booth at Disney World exit.

   Back in my day, Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.

   I pulled my wife's hair this morning. First, from the shower drain and then from my toothbrush.. Really wasn't all that hot, honestly.

   Prison counts as a gated community, right?

   "And that's why we can't have nice things." *me looking at my pay check

   "Oh, I already have that one." Is a good thing to say when someone shows you a picture of their kid

   I bet if you look up "dictionary" in the dictionary,, it just says "this."

   Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2019,,,,, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

   Can we just give China $20,000,000,000,000 in Kohl's Cash and call it even?

   Keep Calm,, and stop coming up with different ways to end that phrase.

   BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise"