Funny Status Messages
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Wear a smile. One size fits all 
Honey, I'm lookin' at the 1,500 pictures of yourself that you posted on Facebook.. but where's the one of your self-respect?
If I win Power Ball tonight....I'll spend the rest of my life in my whitie tighties judging people on the internet. So basically same thing just $550 million richer.
Nothing makes me happier at work than walking into the bathroom and all the stalls are empty.
Every time I do a good deed, something bad happens.
A sense of humor is a man's cleavage
What’s with this “name an animal that doesn’t have an “A” in it? It's harder than you think!” How about effing Dog?? Seriously…
When I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
thinks her inner skinny girl was eaten by her inner fat girl....
use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for solitaire.
This 'places' thing still scares me a little. It's like saying, "Hey stranger, come find me, look I made it really easy for you."
a strong man stands up for himself,an even stronger man stands up for others
Facebook needs a *LOVE* button... I'd hit it!!
We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And some people still wonder why some are afraid when they are told they are loved.
DON'T hit kids, NO- seriously, they have guns now.
n't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office?
I'm pretty sure the guy who came up with Guitar Hero got the idea from a scantron test!
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
If I call you a "HO" these final days of 2009, it's only for the holiday purposes... *smirks*
The probability of the bread falling buttered side down is directly proportional to the price of the carpet. 