Funny Status Messages

   Gee, Judging by the lack of smiles on peoples faces today .... A lot of Valentine's wishes went unanswered.

   Hollywood actors praising themselves...The Oscars smh

   Just bought a crap load of staples from Staples. Headed to Dick's now.....

   A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.

   Drink Bacardi while you workout and call it Bacardio

   I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013

   Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option

   What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

   So tired I just ignored a fly walking on my face like I was in an 80's hunger commercial.

   "Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball."

   I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.

   If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

   College wall posts, Welcome back students. Sex is not allowed in the dorm rooms. The students are like, " Yeah Right "

   Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.

   I am wondering if female squirrells only get 80% of the acorns that males get

   It's safe to assume that anyone who has a wedding band tattooed on their finger was not a statistics major.

   n't it curious that the SAME FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times and found nothing incriminating ..... ALSO interviewed Hillary Clinton and found nothing incriminating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....... Ya folks ..... We're really in good hands now!

   "Melania's Speech was 100% real... Trust Me I was THERE!" - Brian Williams

   The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn't work if it isn't open.