Funny Status Messages

   Shot my first turkey yesterday....scared the sh!t out of everybody in the frozen food section!

   wow it's R. Kelly cold out there! And by R. Kelly cold, I mean "in the teens"

   Poke me again, and I will stab you.

   Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

   Happy 8-9-10 day, now make this day count. (little number humor. haha)

   Could someone please call Al Gore and ask him to turn global warming back on?

   I don’t understand the whole concept of a massage. You get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last as long for fat people!

   At least Mexicans make good immigrants and don't bomb nobody.

   A little girl walk pass her parents room, look in the key hole & says to her self "AND THIS BTCH GETS MAD BECAUSE I SUCK MY THUMB.!

   Look, kids. I think we can learn a valuable lesson from Whitney Houston's unfortunate passing. When snorting coke, wear a life jacket.

   thinks they need to have a twelve-step help group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.

   Thought I'd better warn you. Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money. Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

   Press Ctrl+W to see something really amazing

   locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

   Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing.

   If a girl bangs 10 guys in a year, she's a slut. If a guy does it, he's gay, definitely gay.

   Hey part-time Christians; The word of God was meant to be kept not borrowed whenever and wherever it suits you.

   If I were the President, I'd create the Adorable Care Act, where every American would get a free puppy.

   Show me you're pushy. - Sean Connery