Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   When you die and God asks what you did with your life, try not to say, "Didn't you read my tweets and Facebook updates?"

   Ladies: Trust me, nice guys are all around you, it's just that the a$$holes are blockin your view.

   My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."

   Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your wife.

   My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I'm going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

   I'm at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.

   My safe word is yourhusbandishome.

   I'm a big advocate of the 'You started it' method of defense in an argument.

   Talk to your kids about drugs. Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don't wanna be a nerd parent.

   You had me at "this is a bad idea"

   It wasn't weird until you expected me to act normal.

   Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?

   My brain will dispose of you in a split second, my heart on the other hand will hold on like a hoarder.

   Dear God, when I said six figure salary, I didn't mean only zeros.

   It's important to keep your relationship fresh. So, always look for creative new ways to get even.

   If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to "Widowed", it's time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.

   Lady, you were funny and interesting up about until that time you started talking about your boyfriend.

   Trying to talk to a girl without staring at her boobs is like trying to poop without peeing.

   Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.

   It’s nice how your Selfies accentuate your instability.