Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.

   My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven't tried yet.

   I bet Burger King started making their cardboard crowns bigger when they realized their primary audience was drunk college students.

   I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle....so they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my vodka :(

   glad to hear that SeaWorld is reopening its "safer" shows this week featuring Norman, the Involuntary Manslaughter Whale.

   Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.

   Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.

   It's amazing how much more money I have when I'm drunk.

   Donald Trump always looks like he's just opened a really hot oven.

   It's so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads

   According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful!

   Who else had one of those pens with a million colors, and tried to push all the buttons at once?

   A liar takes forever to explain a simple answer...

   Remember back in the day when you would make a collect call and try to yell the info to the other party before you were disconnected?

   "Marriage" - Betting someone half your sh!t that you'll love them forever

   If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, say "I love Youtube" really fast.

   Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?

   You're not yourself today... I noticed the improvement immediately!!

   Can't wait 'til I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear.

   hates it when he asks someone a question and they start their answer with "Honestly?"......No! Please lie to me, that's what I was hoping for.....idiots!