Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   A taser, but for people who say, "everything happens for a reason."

   Scales at the doctors office should come with a hug.

   Funniest thing I heard while working in ER.. "What was he doing with his pen*s in a dogs mouth anyway?

   Only reason I’m here is to find a trustworthy babysitter.

   Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing

   Don't litter your chaos and drama all over other people's lives.

   "Let me make your morning" - coffee

   Some of you ladies really need more practice hiding your crazy, at least until he marries you.

   You're over the age of 12. Maybe use the word "YOLO" a little less. Or, better yet..not at all.

   Love is...never having to say “wrong hole”

   I don't care what anybody else says. "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch" is the greatest diss track ever written.

   people who have to say "i was being sarcastic" should stop trying to be something they are not good at.

   That moment when she ask if you notice anything about her and you just can't find anything different about her, so you fake a seizure.

   How much for the girlfriend? Sir that's a bottle of Vodka.

   Ladies; If he doesn't want to watch you masturbate he's not that into you....or girls

   My idea of the perfect workout is not working out.

   No, seriously. My dog called 'Shotgun' - get in the back seat.

   The only time I believe in luck is when a married man has sex.

   Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me

   Having a beard while wearing a suit says "I am a professional who might go through your trash later."