JOser Funny Status Messages

   My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel...

   Cool people are just idiots wearing pricy clothes

   The squirrels are mocking me by doing that spiral-run-up-a-tree thing. They know I wish I could do that and how stupid I look when I try.

   The 5-second rule is real! Earlier I ate a chip that was on the floor for 6.7 seconds, and here I am at the ER.

   They wouldn't have to ban texting while driving if they would just legalize driving through red lights...

   Walmart smells like ugly

   Birds of a feather flock together...then sh*t on your car...

   thinks movies are ruining books since 1920.

   I get blamed for everything. Looks like I have no choice but to run for president.

   No I wasn't born in a barn, but you know who was? Jesus.

   The fact that I don't feel an ant crawling on me until it bites me makes me think that ninja school I went to was a total sham.

   There is a very good chance that you don't understand probability.

   Why is it that everyone is either trying to preserve or disprove who they were in highschool? We were all a bunch of midget dipsh*ts making minimum wage covered in pimples

   I never pick up the house phone....But run a mile for the Cell Phone.

   Waldo's bangin' Carmen Sandiego right now. Somehow, despite all the odds, they found each other.

   Comparing Sarah Jessica Parker to a horse is insulting and lame. Horses are majestic, beautiful creatures unworthy of your contempt

   Officer, I was not "texting" while driving. I was "watching a movie on my iPad"

   It's simply way too hot today for me to believe global warming is real.

   Helloooo summer. How I've missed you and your lack of responsibilities...

   Either she's wearing last night's clothes or she had alcohol and shame for breakfast.