JEBI Funny Status Messages

   I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.

   I'd make more Broncos jokes, but I don't want to beat a dead horse...

   "Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...

   Dear Justin Bieber, Just because you have money...doesn't mean that you're mature. Grow up, smarten up, or shut the hell up! Thanks, People

   "Really???" - Barbie, the first time she saw Ken without pants

   iPhone 6 will be wider, but at my age, I'll tap anything...

   I told my wife she just needed to embrace her mistakes. She wept softly...and then hugged me.

   "I have a dream" - Martin Luther King jr "I have a drone" - Barrack Hussein Obama

   Heard Dominos is coming out with a pizza in honour of Tom Brady...one half of its covered and its called the "incomplete"...

   I found a jacket that I wore in 2002 and found a Nokia 3220 in the pocket... It still has 2 bars left...

   If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...

   The most photographed red carpet in Hollywood is still Lindsay's.

   Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.

   I got this whole Christmas gifting thing on lock!! I bought my mom a fridge for Xmas a few years ago and still to this day every time she opens it....her face lights up

   MTV has named Miley Cyrus the best artist of 2013. Kinda fitting I guess, since MTV has no idea what music is anymore...

   The creator takes those who are strongest...so that those who are left behind have something to live up to. RIP Nelson Mandela

   The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...

   Being honest may not get you alot of friends but it does get you the right ones...

   Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.

   The two major causes of depression are: a) having a wife, and b) not having a wife.