nunthewizr Funny Status Messages
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Screaming "Autobots, ROLL OUT" at someone in a wheelchair isn't funny. Everyone knows handicapped people are Decepticons................and my place in Hell is secured for the day.
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I cant think of a single life situation that cannot be improved by wearing tear away pants.
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Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They're always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
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They’re gathering information by going through our trash. Learning. Plotting. Raccoons haven’t forgotten that we used to wear them as hats.
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Valet parking is just Canadian car jacking.
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Got an anxiety attack when I first heard DC was shutting down. Then I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized it wasn’t the comic books.
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How long are we gonna joke about the government shutting down and pretend like Skynet didn’t just go online?
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When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
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Life would be better if squirrels liked sitting on our shoulders. You can’t be sad with a cool squirrel friend on your shoulder.
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Walmart Guy: Sir, it should take about thirty minutes for your oil change. If you want to do some shopping, we will call your name out over the loudspeaker when we are finished. Me: If you want to live, you will not call my name out over the loudspeaker.
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I have nothing against people who choose to smoke but that whole little thing you do, with cracking your car window and blowing smoke out doesn’t help. Umm….yeah….your car still stinks.
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In other news....Hannah Montana changes her name to Hannah Idaho.
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Sometimes I run toward people and get so frustrated that they don't know I want to do the Dirty Dancing lift. Then it just becomes awkward.
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It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I'm always like, "I love you," and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
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I wish people would be honest in their FB posts, like, "Happy birthday to my slightly less than average looking kind of friend, Jenny."
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Very little scares me. So does very big.
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Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
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The term "chubby chasers" is so misleading and inaccurate. They don't run.
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snaxting a thing? Like texting each other pictures of your snacks? Because I kind of think I'd be good at that.
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Which is creepier. Being in a bathroom stall and looking out through the crack in the door, you see someone looking back? Or looking into the stall and you see someone looking out?
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