StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   You don't have the right to say "the struggle is real" when your ass is still living with your parents.

   I bought a rug from IKEA that ended up being just a needle and 50 lbs. of thread.

   Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.

   Look, nobody can tell the sex of your baby, so please either pierce it's ears or draw a mustache on that ambiguous little mother f*cker

   I'm off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...

   People dropout of school and get a job at McDonald's talking bout "on my grind" yeah okay, GRIND me up a Oreo McFlurry with yo dumb ass

   You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let's negotiate.

   "I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time." Said the Malaysian shark.

   Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

   Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn't accurately describe my life I don't know what does

   My goal for 2015 is to accomplish the goals of 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I made a promise in 2012 which I planned on keeping back in 2011

   My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie: 'Every exit is an entrance to a new experience' "Wow!" she said. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I f*cking hope so.

   News: "3 Cliff Walkers Fall to Their Death" Wow, what were the chances of them all having the same name?

   The house from Home Alone is up for sale for 2.5 million dollars. F*ck that, the area's full of burglars.

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. This is gonna be one hell of a week.

   When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only shagged him to get something else out of him, but it failed'.

   A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

   My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'f*ck.' What the make love is she talking about?

   At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Bacon

   What separates humans from the animals? The Mediterranean.