GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Remember when we used to do prank calls growing up? Now those spam calls are karma getting us back.

   If you take a social media sabbatical, don't announce it. Just make your last post something fun like "I wonder if there's a bear in this cave?"

   Marriage tip: If your wife says she's only getting two things at the store, don't believe her. She's lying!

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

   My class essay on internal organs was too short. So I added an appendix.

   The clocks go back this weekend. Hopefully back to when we could afford groceries.

   I finally realized it... People are prisoners of their phones. That's why they are called cell phones.

   Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm off to the park to laugh at all the joggers.

   Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

   The officer asked, "You drinking?" I said, "You buying?" And we just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

   Now that I've gotten older I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, the customer with the most money.

   I couldn't get a reservation at my local library. They were booked!!!

   My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.

   Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.

   If you honk at me .025 seconds after the light turns green I'm going to put my vehicle in park, adjust my seat, check my tire pressure, change my oil, return some emails, eat a snack, read a book, brush my teeth, nap, and build a LEGO set.

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink or dessert. Then I'd sit back and watch the madness unfold at every table.

   I'm a firm believer that every traffic jam begins with one idiot.

   The difference between humans and animals? Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.

   Guys, if the relationship fails, don't blame her only. It takes 2 people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.