Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'm scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

   All I am saying is if Donald Trump was really a friend of the Gay people, one of them would have fixed his wig and makeup by now.

   This election is like choosing how you want to be killed. Sir, here are your two choices. Do you want to be killed with a Hillary or a Donald?

   MAKE AMERICA DRUNK AGAIN - thats the only way we are going to get through this election.

   May the shooter's 72 virgins be all males.

   My ex called to say that she hates me and wished I was dead, also to ask if I needed anything from the liquor store.

   My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.

   It's like grandma always said, "Buy a selfie stick and you're out of my will."

   After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"

   Today at crossfit, we had to spoon wild mountain lions.

   If you don’t use steroids in the state of Florida, how the hell are you supposed to fight off the escaped pythons?

   My wife wants to speak with you. You're in deep sh*t.

   Being a nice person is so exhausting, which is why a$$holes always have so much energy.

   I sensed she was starting to pull away when she changed the locks to the house.

   More coffee, less people please.

   My biggest fear is meeting my soulmate in Arkansas and finding out she's a product of Centuries of inbreeding.

   Co-workers not loving my Lenny Kravitz impersonation.

   a restraining order just her way of telling me she's into bondage?

   I don't chase after girls, unless I have my inhaler with me.

   'Don't worry. I'll hold all your stuff. You just worry about making friends' - Fanny Packs