Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry. Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
←Rate | 09-28-2022 11:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
←Rate | 09-28-2022 11:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tom Brady has over 600 touchdown passes in his career. Which works out to 420, when you adjust for inflation.
←Rate | 09-28-2022 09:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.... It's not the best medicine in the world, but hey they’re right up there.
←Rate | 09-28-2022 09:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
←Rate | 09-28-2022 06:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
←Rate | 09-28-2022 06:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
←Rate | 09-28-2022 06:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
←Rate | 09-28-2022 06:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Growing up is realizing that talking doesn't scare the fish and that Grandpa just wanted you to shut the hell up.
←Rate | 09-27-2022 20:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not trying to brag or make anyone jealous, but I can still fit in the same sized gloves I wore in high school...
←Rate | 09-27-2022 06:43 by Gator Comments (0)  

   messageicon Either the leaves are changing colors or there was something in those brownies...
←Rate | 09-26-2022 18:31 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I subscribe to Amazon Prime, does that mean that I'm "in my prime" ?
←Rate | 09-26-2022 17:20 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not trusting the government does not make you a conspiracy theorist. It makes you a history buff.
←Rate | 09-25-2022 15:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best way to honor a poor soul who got shot by cops is to smash store windows to get your new Flat Screens and new iPhone 12's
←Rate | 09-23-2022 07:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can’t walk on water, but I can stagger on alcohol.
←Rate | 09-23-2022 07:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw a pigeon open its mouth without making a sound and realized I’d just witnessed a failed coo attempt.
←Rate | 09-23-2022 06:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
←Rate | 09-22-2022 12:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My relationship with my cat is like that of a married couple. Basically we fight a lot and never have sex.
←Rate | 09-22-2022 11:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If batman and catwoman had a kid it would be batcat or the less popular manwoman.
←Rate | 09-22-2022 11:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder what the bees inside Wilma Flintstone's vibrator talked about: "Another fight with Fred? Looks like we're working overtime again."
←Rate | 09-22-2022 11:43 Comments (0)  

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