Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I've been on and off the wagon so many times, I feel like a Wild West hooker working her way back to California.
←Rate | 09-21-2021 08:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a name for the govt. agents that go door-to-door checking to see if you have been vaccinated: Ja-COVID Witnesses.
←Rate | 09-21-2021 06:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I made a playlist for when I go hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it Trail Mix.
←Rate | 09-21-2021 06:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jesus walks into a bar: Orders 12 waters... Winks at disciples....
←Rate | 09-20-2021 19:43 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon A new study says you shouldn't believe everything you read on Facebook that starts out by saying a new study says.
←Rate | 09-20-2021 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want to thank my trusted speech writers: Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V.
←Rate | 09-20-2021 10:09 by Melania Comments (0)  

   messageicon FACT: If you said “all of my music is in the cloud” in the 1960s, it was due to mushrooms, not Apple.
←Rate | 09-20-2021 09:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Driving 32 miles to buy the same apples I could get 50% cheaper at the local grocery store 1 mile from my place is the reason why I absolutely love Autumn.
←Rate | 09-20-2021 09:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?
←Rate | 09-20-2021 09:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Toughest job I ever had was as a door to door salesman, selling doors. Every time I knocked, I thought, “Screw it, they’ve already got one.”
←Rate | 09-20-2021 09:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by just about everything
←Rate | 09-20-2021 09:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask
←Rate | 09-20-2021 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just got back from town. There would be so much less clutter if only the business that were'nt hiring put up signs. . .
←Rate | 09-19-2021 17:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm currently writing a folk song about bland pudding, it's called "That's Pudding it Mildly"
←Rate | 09-18-2021 17:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm never eating a edible again. I watched an entire movie on mute and started crying because I thought I was deaf.
←Rate | 09-18-2021 13:50 by Matt Comments (0)  

   messageicon So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled down at different rates?
←Rate | 09-18-2021 08:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I'm in a restaurant and the waitperson says they are short-staffed I tell them "Well then you need to hire taller staff."
←Rate | 09-18-2021 08:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "How much do you spend on wine?" Me: about 30 minutes
←Rate | 09-17-2021 08:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so dumb, when the bartender said "drinks on the house," I got a ladder.
←Rate | 09-16-2021 15:24 by Ef-Az-Zzee Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I was told when I was a kid that in the future, the press would glorify a drug addled jigaboo repeat offending felon who resisted arrest and would ignore 13 servicemen who died, I wouldn't have believed it. Yet here we are.
←Rate | 09-16-2021 13:58 Comments (0)  

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