Tim Funny Status Messages

   just saw a Prius with that brake problem. It was barreling down the road at speeds exceeding 35 MPH.

   Some stuff gets better with age, other stuff feels the effects of gravity.

   and always will be the man (most of you have to grow some before using this)

   heard some folks trying to change the name of Killer Whale to something less threatening. Sea World, Killer Whale was quoted as saying, "I'm back baby!"

   | That whale grabbed the trainer by the ponytail and took her under. That is why that advice to, "remember when working with seafood, to always wear a hair net" is so important.

   living each day as if it were his last: The cashier at Krispy Kreame knows him by name.

   living each day as if it were his last: That Korean massage parlor is on to him though. They stopped giving him dying-day happy-ending discounts.

   thinks you're his smartest and best-looking friend on Facebook. (Thanks for not telling the others.)

   has a thing going with X's wife. Wait... all this third person stuff has X and me confused!

   wonders if there are gay terrorists. I bet they'd wear fancy explosive underwear.

   wonders if there are gay terrorists. "Hey, Mr. Embassy man... two snaps ka-boom!"

   wonders if suacide bombers text. "BRB ... J/K! I won't BRB." Or, "TTFN SYIHW72V" = ta ta for now, see you in heaven with 72 virgins.

   thinks that while many auto manufactures put the brakes on due to this global ressession, Toyota just kept on rollin'.

   Just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Think I'll slip into a Snuggie and watch some infomercials.

   thinks chihuahuas are really regular size dogs in tight skin. All that made it out was their eyes! That would explain why they're so angry.

   Am I the only one that found irony in Walmart having a whites sale this week?

   Yoda's last name Lay-he-hoo?

   OCD's Anonymous meeting at my place. Anyone who feels compelled to clean up, go for it.

   I've got an empty coffee cup and no memory of drinking it. I don't put cream in my coffee, so I think that's a black out.

   "You want the booth?!? You can't handle the booth!" Jack Nicholson working at Perkins