Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   Bought a new trampoline and took me 2 hrs to set it up. All the wife could say afterwards was "uhm...where's our bed?" That's gratitude for ya!

   4/21...Happy Surprise Random Drug Test Day.

   Just watched a movie with my kids about a young girl that is transported to a surreal land where she kills the first person she meets. Then she meets up with 3 other strangers to kill again. The Wizard of Oz.

   I think Charles Ramsey might be on to something here. I'm going to get a deep dark tan and fly down to Cleveland and see what white women come running into my arms.

   Sometimes when I have contractors come over to work at my house I feel like giving them a tip. But then I stop and think...why stop at just the "tip"?

   For my wedding anniversary I wanted to make my wife feel special. So I gave her a helmet, some goggles, an egg beater, and a pack of fruit flavoured crayons.

   I polled 100 women on what their favourite shampoo was. The response was all the same..."How did you get into my bathroom?!??!?"

   Spooning leads to forking which is why I always use condiments.

   I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me.

   So let me get this straight...The Hulk smashes cars and breaks things and people call him "incredible". I do it and people call me an "alcoholic" because I'm not green.

   Canadian Thanksgiving tip #43: The meal isn't over until you hate yourself.

   When you get married, wouldn't it make more sense for the groom's mother to walk the bride down the aisle? That way you would have the woman that brought you into this world and the woman that will take you out of it.

   Apparently someone is stabbed in Detroit every 54 secs. It must suck to be that guy.

   I think women should be put on the front lines of any military assault force once a month. PMS+ gun = unstoppable.

   I think I'm going to change my kids' middle names to "DANGER" just so they can tell people Danger is their middle name...YEAH BABY!!

   Just made a batch of my super spicy 3 jalapeno chili. MILF! And by MILF I mean Man I Love to Fart!!

   Figured out who my favorite child is on the drive home today when "Thunder Struck" by AC/DC came on the radio. Child #1: What is that noise? Is something wrong with the radio? Child #2: Turn it up papa!!

   Whenever I silently fart in bed I always ask the wife if she smells popcorn so she will take a big whiff looking for the popcorn smell...I'm just evil like that.

   The music industry has suffered a great loss. Justin Bieber was found ALIVE in his hotel room.

   Headed over to this "Toys for Tots" thing today...so how many tots do I have to trade in for a PS4 or an Xbox One?