totalpackage Funny Status Messages

   After reading about Alicia Silverstone, I have some new things to be thankful for...Dear Mom, thank you for not naming me "Bear Blu" and especially for not feeding me pre-chewed, discarded food straight from your mouth!

   I was a bit embarrassed about dropping a gallon jug of Heinz ketchup all over aisle 7 at Sam's Club....but I managed to salvage my pride by creating an extemely convincing crime scene!

   I just had my most disturbing nighmare ever....I was gagged, tied and forced to watch "The View!"

   trying to figure out how many Sham-Wows I'm gonna need to soak up all the water in my truck after leaving the window down for 2 days...

   Only 12 more days till I get some tube socks, a slew of checkered polo shirts I'll never wear, and a box set of Aqua Velva I'll eventually use as paint thinner....Yay! :/

   ending the night with green beer in a sippy cup!

   thinks his GPS has dyslexia....I typed in "Macy's" and it took me to the YMCA!

   heard Charlie Sheen's pissed now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is the front runner for "Schmuck Of The Year" award!

   I can't really tell the difference between "water polo" or "marco polo", but I know neither one is very thrilling to watch on television. :/

   Looks like Hugh Hefner's fiance finally got her cataracts removed and called off the wedding realizing she'd have to wake up everyday next to a dude that looks worse than the dead guy on "A Weekend at Bernie's"

   Did you ever notice some people with the lowest moral compass and zero integrity suddenly become 'karma experts' when things don't go their way?

   I never understood why they call them "Smart Cars"...Anyone willing to drive a padded shopping cart on the freeway in a Fisher Price toy doesn't meet my criteria of "smart".

   told Christian Mingle what I wanted in a girl...but they sent her over to wash out my mouth with soap instead.

   may not be a millionaire yet but I figure what I have in my pocket combined with 3 vehicles full of gas puts me pretty damned close...

   Way to go Ferguson...Burning down the same grocery stores where you use your foodstamps to shop. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Real justice losers!. Real justice

   In celebration of "Fat Tuesday", I only plan to party on days that start with "T" from now on......Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday! ツ

   <----plans on spending a quiet evening indoors with the only woman who never let's me down!.....Stella Artois! ツ

   I told the NCAA I was a Penn State fan and they "vacated" my last 15 birthdays which restores me to my early 20's...Anyone up for a game of beer pong tonight? ツ

   It really sucked having to waddle across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with my pants around my ankles......and I don't think the shoppers at Target were very happy about it either!

   I heard they found the deadly Egyptian cobra that was missing from the Bronx Zoo.....It was in Lindsay Lohan's purse!