Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   I can already tell December 21st will be the most annoying day in Facebook history.

   Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.

   Whenever my wife falls asleep in public I start slapping her and yelling "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!!" Then people cheer and applaud when she wakes up.

   Figured out who my favorite child is on the drive home today when "Thunder Struck" by AC/DC came on the radio. Child #1: What is that noise? Is something wrong with the radio? Child #2: Turn it up papa!!

   I can't believe it's riot season already. I still have my COVID19 decorations up.

   Maybe the next hoarded item will be laxatives...to use up all the toilet paper.

   If your spouse was there for you when you were broke, and they were there for you when you lost your job, and they were there for you when the bank took your house, you should probably get a divorce and look for a new spouse because this one is bad luck.

   The music industry has suffered a great loss. Justin Bieber was found ALIVE in his hotel room.

   Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true

   A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions.

   Jeez. There is no reason to tailgate me in the SLOW LANE. Especially when I'm doing 20 kph over the limit anyways. And those stupid ricer flashing red and blue lights on your roof make you look ridiculous.

   I hate when movies say "May contain nudity." Well does it doesn't it? I don't want to waste my time.

   This whole Gorilla thing makes me wonder what kind of thoughtless ignorant parent tries to raise a child in Ohio?

   It all makes sense now!! Gay marriage and Pot legalized on the same day... Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been misinterpreting it all these years!!

   Found the perfect stocking stuffer. Someone threw away a perfectly good prosthetic leg in the dumpster.

   Saying, "Finger Lickin' Good" out loud -- even at KFC -- makes everyone pretty uncomfortable.

   9 1/2 months from now there are gonna be a lot of babies born...suckers.

   Hand sanitizer?? No thanks, I let my kids eat dirt when they were little so now they have no allergies.

   Damn, it's hotter than a spoon at Hunter Biden's house outside.

   I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.