@Jimboleem Funny Status Messages

   Whenever chicks make that duck face in pictures... I like to imagine it's cause they just got donkey punched in the back of the head.

   My sex drive isn't too bad..... There's a hooker just three blocks from here.

   The hot nurse wants to take a blood sample. If I can get some back into my veins, I'll oblige her.

   The hot neighbor chick snores. ...... When she's being watched....... From her closet. ..... Apparently!

   127 Hours would have been better if immediately after he cut off his arm the rock shifted and landed on his foot.

   I'm looking foreword to being the drunken version of wikiLeaks at our office holiday party this year!

   “Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.” - Mark Twain

   They're making everything bigger these days. This bus is at least twice as big as the one I rode as a kid.

   I wonder how many fries are eaten every year between the drive thru window and the parking lot exit.

   Only 60 shopping days left until black history month!

   I'm not saying it's bad for a girl's pubes to be showing.... I'm saying it matters which end of her shorts they're showing from.

   Started watching a documentary about Fort Knox but I found it really hard to get into.

   In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim. ........... You'd think they would be trying to stop it.

   I learned two valuable lessons today: 1. 2. Write down valuable lessons before you smoke weed.

   The thing guys want most for Christmas: A portrait of themselves in a karate outfit, leaning against a sweet Trans Am.

   "Eh....I'll wait for the next one." - Procrastinating Lifeguard

   In this kind of weather I like to get a space heater, a good book, a pot of coffee, and curl up on the toilet.

   If I look like I'm being bashful chances are I'm just trying to cover my nose, because when you talk I can smell your teeth dying.

   My girlfriend made me promise that when I fly home this Christmas it was her that I fantasized about during my "TSA pat down"

   My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. ... Which is a shame, because I fancy him.