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Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.
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01-23-2023 03:41
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A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.
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06-28-2022 23:42
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Stop bringing crappy Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came out into the woods to hear Katy Perry.
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04-17-2022 00:55
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If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Happiness comes from food, not relationships.
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04-11-2022 02:13
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Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.
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01-07-2023 13:34
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Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”
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01-12-2023 00:22
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There are two kinds of people: Those who do whatever they’re told, no matter what. And, people who will do what is right, no matter what they are told. 😉
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01-23-2023 03:09
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I’m going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder, I cannot keep pulling all the weight like this. 😏
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01-23-2023 02:44
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Alien: I found this, (picks up cat) it’s vibrating.
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04-22-2022 00:17
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If they say it’s impossible, it’s impossible for them, not for you.
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04-22-2022 23:20
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When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.
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01-08-2023 15:25
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My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.
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01-08-2023 17:23
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Twitter files released. MSM: “What files? ~ Space Man Bad”
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01-08-2023 16:19
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Yeah, you’re made of star stuff, but so is garbage, so calm down.
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06-07-2022 02:05
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Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.
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07-01-2022 01:49
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My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.
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01-06-2023 01:02
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Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.
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01-08-2023 01:43
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Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.
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01-18-2023 01:03
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Got a new book: “How to pretend to be normal.”
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01-08-2023 17:24
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At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”
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07-01-2022 01:46
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