StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   Police Officer: "How high are you?" Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

   My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No I'm not." I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

   I don't know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese's to a box of tampons could literally save lives.

   If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

   Don't you love it when your iPod is about to fall, and your earphones save it's life?

   My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   I don't have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

   Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?

   At breakfast this morning, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter. I nearly choked on my #Bacon

   I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'

   My hair made me look stupid so I cut it. The moral of this story is, if you try to make me look stupid I'll cut you.

   Was visited by 3 spirits last night. Vodka, rum and gin.

   Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check?

   If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.

   The Dentist is the only certified man who can say to a woman: "Lay down... relax... open your mouth... say ahh... and spit."

   Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you're dying to be hurt so badly, I've got a baseball bat for that.

   Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then man."

   No joke, if I win the lottery I'm buying a full tank of gas!

   Truth hurts...but not as much as getting fingered by Edward Scissorhands

   Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter. I don't even know who's party it was!