JOser Funny Status Messages

   If people who shop at Walmart, "Save Money. Live Better." Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?

   A completely unattractive woman is hitting on me at the bar. I'd drink until she's cute but the bar closes in 9 hours...

   Does the Five Second Rule apply to beer?

   I use really strong sunblock. It's SPF 100. I squeeze the tube and a sweater comes out.

   When I was a kid games taught us a valuable lesson. Like "slapping a hippo on the @ss will make him eat". That's important sh*t!

   Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

   I can't wait till my son is old enough for me to hide a dirty magazine under his mattress for his mom to find.

   So I'm giving up drinking..Hard liquor..On Wednesdays..In June..Next year..(Maybe..)

   If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you... Take the hint you dumn b*tch...

   I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say "snap back to reality, oh there goes a cavity."

   Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

   Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

   I think I have a combination of Alzheimer's and ADD. I can't remember what I wasn't focusing on

   My life is proof that you can party as a profession.

   "Keep this just between you and me" is a guarantee everyone will know by the end of the day

   From what I've heard, there are actaully people whose paychecks last all the way to the next paycheck! I know! I didn't believe it either.

   If your not barefoot, you're overdressed...

   Bronchitis is my least favorite dinosaur.

   My childhood self would be surprised I'm not playing with knives and fireworks, just because I can

   My super power is finding out about really cool sh*t after it happens.