Funny Status Messages

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll

   Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

   I've absorbed so much disinfectant and soap that when I pee I clean the toilet

   Oh no! I forgot to refrigerate this German sausage! Now it's totally become a spoiled brat.

   3 wks in lockdown widout sugar n aerated drinks.no dairy, bakery items or caffeine! I feel great! No alcohol, fried items 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 Kgs & gained muscle mass!! no idea whose status this was but I decided to copy

   Why is it that before I go into the grocery store, I feel like I am about to pull off a heist?

   [Me in Heaven] God: You're about to get your wings. Me: Great! Buffalo or BBQ? God: Get out.

   Look on the bright side parents, at least now you have an excuse not to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese.

   I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

   The Log Cabin Syrup logo is offensive to trees

   I really don't understand this so called pandemic. We have been social distancing ever since we signed up for Facebook.

   [first day as a 911 operator] me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

   Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997.

   Mueler's Russian roundup may soon come to an end.

   DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

   Q: What do you get when you cross a Pirate and a Pedophile? A: Arrrr Kelly

   The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.

   If you ever feel like air-drumming while driving always play a Def Leppard song. That way you can still keep one hand on the wheel.

   If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high - the door is always open

   The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.