StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   You don't have the right to say "the struggle is real" when your ass is still living with your parents.

   Being a slut won't solve your problems, it might solve mine, but it won't solve yours.

   I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "S3x! S3x! S3x! Free s3x tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

   I don't smoke weed to escape reality. I smoke weed to enjoy reality even more.

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away

   Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.

   The magic of Facebook... you can poke each other all day long... and no one has to lay in the wet spot.

   Ten years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that's still available.

   Time heals everything... except that stupid tattoo.

   When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case

   Gas stations should have happy hour

   I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor...

   Listening intently... Listening intently... Listening intently... "... and then my boyfriend..." Dead to me.

   Afroman was going to vote. But then he got high..

   If you teach sex ed, it's good to tell kids the feelings they're having are normal, but funnier to single one out and mouth "Except yours."

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am, and my attitude depends on who you are.

   I've got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let's do this!

   People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards.

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.