JOser Funny Status Messages

   I'll give you an exact definition of "in love". When her bra and underwear match.

   Procrastination is like masturbation; it's a whole lotta fun until you realize you just screwed yourself.

   coffee: The gasoline of life...

   Don't look at me like I'm crazy when I ask if your store caries Ancient Indian Burial Ground Test Kits...

   I'm thinking of a number between one and who gives a sh*t

   The 7 deadly sins? Um... male camel toe, spamming, paying by check, using ALL CAPS, bogarting, leaving the seat up

   I'll bet the watch I left at home feels naked without me.

   If two trains leave New York, one heading west at 40mph and the other heading south at 35mph, where are my car keys?

   Don't worry... I'm a doctor on the Internet.

   Yes, I admit it. I want to see the Dalai Lama arm wrestle the Pope...

   I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

   Canada still up there? Somebody really should check now and then.

   A friend of mine told me he doesn't drink beer. I wonder what he does with it?

   Let me know if anyone's hiring right now... I specialize in destroying alarm clocks and petting kittens.

   And then I was all like: "I'm really getting sick of your sh*t." And then she was all like: "To speak with a representative please say representative..." UGH!!

   The fine print on Krazy Glue reads, "The only two things this product will successfully attach are your fingers and this tube."

   I see Coke is once again running their popular "Look Under the Cap to Try Again" contest.

   Every time I burn dinner the fire alarm goes off and lets everyone in the neighborhood know. It's such an invasion of privacy.

   I just ate so much ravioli I could sh*t an Italian. If it turns out to be Snooki, you all better thank me when I flush that crazy b*tch.

   Job Application Tip: If asked "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" the incorrect response is, "No, I pleaded insanity."