Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I want you all to know that this will be my last joke on here because I am going to die at midnight tonight as a result of not forwarding chain mail.

   Just read a sign that says "Watch for Deer" and I was like "No, I don't take orders from a sign." Hahaha... No but seriously, it's been like 16 hours and I haven't seen anything.

   If you are a dog catcher and don't have a "pug life" tattoo you are doing the whole life thing wrong.

   I wonder how long it will take for the Adult XXX 'Hannah does Montana' video series to come out?

   Lamar Odom is missing and is a crackhead. Let that be a lesson guys, NEVER date a Kardashian.

   Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I'm now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.

   I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.

   I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.

   Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed yo midunderstanding you.

   Sending us to the couch is not as bad as you think it is ladies. It makes us feel manly... like we're camping... with an angry bear nearby.

   Calm your tit. Just one tit. Leave your other one crazy and out of control. That's your party tit.

   What idiot called it "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts" ?

   We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

   Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?

   Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad."

   I don't care if you catch me creeping your page. I'll like 74 of your posts in a row, what you gonna do about it.

   If 90's R&B comes on in the bedroom, we making a baby. I don't care.

   Winter is coming. Women about to steal your heart and your hoodie.

   If you gotta look thru someone's phone, you shouldn't be with 'em. Quit being insecure, that sh*t is unattractive.

   Don't text me after 11 pm unless you're offering me sex or bringing me food.