Funny Status Messages

   Summer Checklist: Pay extra for coffee with ice in it.

   The Kardashians have screwed more celebrities than a camera with no filter.

   Woke up this morning with a song in my heart. Sadly, that song was "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas".

   ...... POKEMON GO!!!!!!! No Seriously ....... POKEMON GO!!! The world does not need any more Pokemon!

   It's bad enough I have to worry about people when I leave my house now I have to contend with Pokemon as well.

   Calm down people who smile for no reason....

   Bill Cosby replaces defense team. The original one is unsure why; they inexplicably fell asleep & when they woke he was gone.

   Mick Jagger to be a father at 72. Names Keith Richards child's godfather to ensure the child is brought up right long after Mick's gone.

   Gettin' real tired of wearing pants and having responsibilities.

   I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.

   Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

   Watched Ant-Man today. Now I'm hoping the roach I flushed down the toilet wasn't on some kind of secret mission.

   It's reassuring knowing my brother is looking down on me, but if he stopped wearing heels I'd be an inch taller than him.

   If you leave a dream catcher in the rain, does it become a wet dream catcher

   It's okay password, I'm insecure too...

   Don't you hate when you're in bed cuddling yourself and then your hand starts getting frisky when you're not in the mood?

   The saying "More than one way to skin a cat" Probably came from a Chinese food restaurant owner

   From what I can tell, there’s nothing in the city ordinances that prevents me from installing a fence that spells out BITE ME at my neighbor.

   90's road comics can now breathe a sigh of relief that their Clinton jokes are relevant again.

   Bought a crock pot today and suddenly realized I might not be the life of the party I thought I was.