Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldn't have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

   Actually it only takes me 1 drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the 14th or 15th.

   I don't like how Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" I usually just lie and live with the guilt.

   In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.

   This girl asked to take me out to dinner, I told her sorry I have a girlfriend. Her response... "Eatin' ain't cheatin'."

   Friend: Someone who draws on your face while passed out. True Friend: Someone who posts pictures of said drawings on Facebook.

   Sometimes when I see people I havent seen in a while, I think to myself... "Yeah... He's definitely been smoking crack."

   I saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said "Got dope?"

   I need some transition time from the weekend... can we drink during lunch breaks this week to get back to normal?

   REALLY annoyed. I got asked to leave the supermarket for doing what one of their supid signs said: "Wet Floor." Bunch of retards.

   The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!"

   Police Station toilet stolen - Cops have nothing to go on.

   Don't tell your boyfriend that your friend is slutty... It will only intrigue him...

   I woke up this morning with a hospital arm-band on containing all the information off my fake I.D. WTF did we do last night!?!?

   There's a new Tiger porn with all the hoes he cheated with called "It's all in the hips." It's better than his first release "Tiger's 18 favorite holes."

   Does anyone else leave Best Buy without buying anything and think the security guy at the front suspects you of stealing... so you go out of your way to act friendly toward him?

   I do lots of stuff in my back yard that's illegal to do in public.

   You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."

   Things to shout at Tiger Woods at Augusta: "Nail this hole like a Hooters waitress." Or you can say, "Now that you're not getting any, beat it like it owes you money!"

   But officer, I wasn't texting while driving! I was updating my status!