JOser Funny Status Messages

   None of my illegitimate sons sent me a card today. B@stards.

   As a man, it scares the hell out of me that North Korea has a missile called the "no dong."

   The fact "gorilla" does not rhyme with "tortilla" infuriates me.

   Welcome To Sh*t Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

   When asked "What would you bring with you to a deserted island", how come no one ever replies, "A boat."?

   If you see a burrito running down the street screaming "RAPE", please return him to me. He is totally overreacting.

   I am under: paid, pressure, followed, rated, the gun, the radar, the influence, the weather and the wrong impression. WTF

   Never looking back doesn't make you an optimist, lady, it makes you a horrible driver.

   Why hasn't anyone invented alcohol that acts as birth control too?

   Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker...

   Psst. Hey. Europe is asleep. Let's talk sh*t about them.

   Called my 40 year old cousin in Louisiana and told her she'd better hurry up and get married. There won't be as many fish in the sea now.

   With all the technology available now, you'd think they'd have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

   I plan on using a treasure map as my will

   Wait, so the 3 day rule applies to calling a girl, and the 5 second rule applies to dropped food? It all makes sense now

   I'm no volcanologist but has anyone tried throwing in a few virgins?

   I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.

   I'm beginning to think the only real committed women are the ones who are institutionalized.

   Every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray, That somebody puts that sh*t on YouTube, So I can watch it every day.

   I can't fall asleep with all these people honking at me. Go around!!