Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   So if I don't kill you, I make you stronger? I really don't have any options here.

   I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday, you really got on my nerves.

   I think that what I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I do something wrong.

   To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.

   It's sad when you can see how long you slept by looking at the time between Facebook status updates.

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

   I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them.

   After I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.

   I like Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Sarah.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   I know where children get their energy... they drain it from their parents!

   I read the rules and decided they are stupid so I will be making my own from now on.

   I took your survey, sent you a round, tended your garden, poked you, hugged you, and sent you 10 useless gifts. It's hard being a Facebook friend.

   I've decided that, instead of being a good example, I'll be a warning.

   I have a new philosophy to foster peace and harmony in the universe: GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT.

   You may write me down in history with your bitter, twisted lies... You may trod me in the very dirt... But still, like the dust, I'll rise!

   I'd let you talk more, but you're not as interesting as I am.

   Please don't ever change! I always want to be better than you.

   Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds outfit none of them will even talk to me.