Funny Status Messages

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   [Knock on the door] Police: Police! Open up! Me: What do you want? Police: We just want to talk. Me: How many of you are there? Police: Two. Me: Then talk to each other.

   The eclipse was ok but when are we going to get swarms of locusts?

   Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.

   Misogynistic? So if he hit the golfball into a GUY's head, that would have been ok.

   Don't wait for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make it perfect. Have a great day. :)

   Pepsi is now pulling its sponsorship of the Miami Dolphins, after hearing they prefer Coke!

   I'm assuming lube is for people who can't spit.

   OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   Next time you visit someone with Alexa. "Alexa set 3am alarm with horror movie sounds."

   St Peter: "so..how did you die?" Me: "I was sat on a beanbag and the house caught fire"

   Did I miss the grammys again! darn that makes like 10 years in a row.

   I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket....

   Life lesson 249: A short temper is not a sign of strength.

   Some people would rather stay ignorant and self-satisfied.

   I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague. The Czech engine light keeps coming on.

   My Wife just told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I just booked a $553 flight to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.

   You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday...and you’re 32.

   Ladies, please remove your Apple Watch if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a Spy Kid.

   Funny how the NBA players and coaches are quick to criticize the Prez but won't say anything negative about a Communist country that imprisons those who speak out...