Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Strangers who think it's okay to just have a random chat with me is what's wrong with the world today.

   Not all accidents are destiny, but all girls named Destiny were accidents.

   Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won't be necessary.

   Please lord let that toaster be plugged in. *watches wife fishing out bread with a fork

   Walk of shame? If I can still walk, the shame is yours.

   I swear while 50% of the human race is evolving the other 50% is devolving.

   diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.

   what base is it when your wife feels the bed shaking and says if you're going to jerk off do it on the couch?

   The best thing about depression is all the naps. Also the frequent snacks. Also the heavy drinking. The drugs are cool too.

   *at the cat shelter* Yes hi, where are the shopping carts?

   I could spend my day outside, but I'm sure there's plenty of p0rn that needs to be rated.

   It's funny how you become mom's new favorite when your sibling goes to jail.

   Maybe cops who plant evidence just really love gardening.

   So "instagram" doesn't mean your dealer is right around the corner?

   *Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a sh*tty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."

   It's all fun and games until they find traces of your DNA

   I'm that dude that responds to your text 3 weeks later with ;)

   What if I told you none of this was real? "Sir, just pay us your credit card debt."

   Congrats to LeBron for being the first person in human history to successfully escape Ohio and then go back by choice.

   It's so cute how you have a safe word like you think I can hear you through the duct tape.