Baddie Funny Status Messages

   This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

   I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I'm roofing.

   Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.

   Sorry I roasted marshmallows over your meltdown.

   There is no more horrible death than the one of a poor tree that ends up being a Twilight book.

   Everytime a girl tells me she doesn't feel good I squeeze her boob and call her a liar.

   Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

   Apparently my girlfriend has no problem putting my d*ck in her mouth but she won't let me touch her if I don't wash my hands right after I pee coz that's disgusting.

   Getting your girlfriend to agree to try an@l is NOT made any easier when you tell her how willing your last girlfriend was.

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   So if a cow dies of old age after a long and happy life, vegetarians are allowed to eat it, right?

   You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”

   When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper "I know guys I miss you too" then put them back quietly.

   Just bought my " I survived black history month" T-shirt

   I don't make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.

   I think the reason old people sleep in separate bedrooms is so they don't have to wake up next to someone dead.

   I'd like the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of her ass. Where are we on this technology?

   My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.

   I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   The best neighbors are the ones you never see.