Snotty Funny Status Messages

   11 out of 10 centipedes go bankrupt when they go bowling.

   Sex Ed teacher: Class today we will start on the birds and the bees. Today is bees. *opens hive, unleashing an angry swarm of bees*... Locks us in

   I remember when "the RAM in your computer" referred to literal rams, with horns, who turned the giant wheel that powered our electronics.

   Traitor Joe: Hmmm,, how can I regain people's trust AND sell groceries at the same time?

   I think I'm going to sell everyone else out,,, And be the farmer supplying Life with all these lemons everyone's talking about.

   I just got back from a cannibal Thanksgiving get together. ..... I had a ball.

   O.K.,,, That's ENOUGH !,, This is the 3rd hose-fight I've broken up today,, And the 2nd one involving actual hoses......

   Sorry I just woke up from a coma,,, and OH MAYA GOD,,, They got the date wrong

   Half way to my mom's place for Mother's Day,,, only have about 3 more feet of digging.

   I can't find my phone,,, I must be on Malaysia Airplain mode

   it, "kindergarden" or "kindergarten"?... I'm just wondering what grade level I need to start all over from.

   I'm "Relieved my plans got canceled last minute so I can go to bed early.",,,,,,,, years old.

   "I love speaking for others" --- ventriloquists

   My engine brings all the mechanics to the yard,,, and I'm like, You better fix cars...

   I also have an awesome recipe for jambalaya,,,,,,, It's actually one of my newest "soup-er powers"..... Drops mic,,,,,, apologizes profusely

   Hey Weather Channel,,, "Frankenstorm" is the doctor's name...."Frankenstorms Monster" is what Earth is dressing up as for Halloween

   *Shows up to crime scene on camel drawn carriage....."O.K.,,Prepare to get,, *lowers shades*,,, humped"

   FYI: It takes a man a week to walk a fortnight,

   Note to self: Feed lots of Mayo to the tuna first,,,,,,THEN butcher.

   Last night I lied in bed, looking at the stars & thought..... Where in the heck did my ceiling go..