Snotty Funny Status Messages

   *Angry after wasting 5 hours trying to craft a beer joke.... " This was entirely hopless!"

   *date.... GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?..... LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.

   I was told to seek help today,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Fair enough,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, help

   BTW,,,, Pinocchio's family tree is just a maple

   I get my kicks below the waistline, sunshine,,, because that's where my legs are, and I'm pretty sure you need those for kicking.

   Hey Auto-Correct,,, The intensive porpoises are here.. They say you have something for them.. Yes, all of them

   My wife just had my tubes tied, and now She's become........inconceivable.

   How many Feminists does it take to finish this joke without offending anyone?

   ICEBERGS: Ha ha!.. We just sunk the Titanic... HUMANS: Oh yeah?... We'll show you. . We'll show ALL you!... *starts global warming

   I despise dictatorships... All dictators should be shot,,, and if anybody disagrees with me,,, they should be shot as well.

   Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a sub, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm,,, plus I am inside a lion.

   My dad thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Dick Clark just passed . LOL"

   I want to do a post about a pirate dating site called e-Yarrrmony,,, but the process is too arrrduous

   FYI: If a test asks for the capital of North Dakota you can write "who cares" and it won't be marked as incorrect.

   Now that my daughter's almost a toddler, when can I expect her baby toes to fall off and be replaced by adult ones?

   "Any last requests?" I say..... The eclair stands blindfolded,,,, coolly smoking his final cigarette. "Yeah," Flick. "Eat-me."

   Me: "I'll take the rubbish out"... Rubbish: "Ummm,, I'm seeing someone"

   Cop: buzz driving IS drunk driving... Swarm of bees in driver seat: this is bullcrap.

   You can tell how well people cut their grass,, by the way they color things in,, on "Draw Something."

   M.I.T. is making an iPhone app to help blind people text?.... Wow,, the LAST thing we need is a bunch of blind a-holes texting while they drive.