Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I always buy the biggest size pants on the rack because they cost the same as the smallest size. More pants for your money, I always say.

   I finally got a new prophetic leg... I'm starting physical therapy on Monday.... Also Courteney Cox dies while parasailing next May...

   it’s 2013, why does google maps not have a Parkour option? pretty sure I could get to that Burger King in 90 seconds with Parkour moves

   If worse comes to worst you can always get her a glass of Mother’s Day water.

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face*,,,,,,,,, And when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

   You want to get the PERFECT body, it's easy... 😮 Walk up hill, a lot.. & only eat meat. 👍........ *Sponsored by Ed's hillwalking & meats Ltd

   Grumble,,grumble,,,,,, I'm just going to answer you in thrusting motions.

   Point.. Wink.. Shoot finger gun.. Blow smoke from tip of finger gun.. Wipe prints off finger gun.. Bury finger gun where no one can find it.

   Growing up,,, My daughter always wanted to be a "Disney" princess,,,,, : Darth Vader

   My most endearing quality would have to be knowing all the lyrics to Smash Mouth's "All Star"

   Last week, I had an update so bad,,, Nicolas Cage got cast in a movie about it.

   I someitmes wonder what magical things would've been created had we all put our creativity towards something other than making the internet laugh

   And speaking of my EX,, " Divorce is Strong with this one." >> Darth Vader, Marriage counselor..

   “It’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”... Umm,,, wait, you’re not my doctor... *a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

   "Ducklings are baby ducks," I say as I set the appetizer on the table. "Enjoy your dumplings, Ma'am."

   If police are gonna profile,,, they gonna look for a spade dressed like a gangsta

   The cool thing about Taco Bell's " 5 buck box " Is that if you time your eating right... As soon as your done, you can turn right around and use the box to make a Mexican " soft serve" in it......... I know,, what a green idea

   I've been checking the box at the fire department but there's never any babies in it.. Whoever's beating me to it..YOU CAN ONLY TAKE ONE PER VISIT.

   ARE YOU LOSING MONEY EVERY TIME YOU BATHE? If you're taking cash into the shower, the answer may surprise you.... Stay tuned.

   One of the bigger mistake men make is thinking they have to understand what they're apologizing for.