Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Hey Canada,,, This is getting kinda boring, how about you let US be on top for a change?

   *An Icelandic cop knocks on a door* "Mrs Jónson? There's no easy way to say this..... Your husband fell into the volcano Eyjafjallajökull."

   [date night].. Waiter: How is everything?... Me: *whispers... Waiter: Sir?.... Wife: *sigh,, He says his carrots are touching his peas.

   Told this girl I'm a tenor, and she said, "You're a six,,, and that's with me being generous."

   My wife and I keep a running score of who laughs first when one of the kids says something wildly inappropriate

   What,,Are you a weekly magazine?,,,,, You've got ALOT of issues

   Aaron Hernandez,, I have some legal advice for you,,, Never trust a lawyer who wears pigtails, sucks on a lollipop and blows you kisses when you ask him a complex legal question.

   In the future we will type with our toes to keep our hands free for punching robots.

   *Sees a truck: Nice... *Sees a trucker: Oh, impressive... *Sees a truckest: Ah yes,, This is what I came for.

   what cultureless buffoon called him Subway Sandwich Artist of the Month and not "Leonardo Six Inchi".

   "Call it a sweatshirt.. Those?,, those are sweatpants.. That one is a sweater.. Gosh, it's hot in here." ... (The guy who named clothes)

   Darn it,,,,, It's almost August and I'm still writing Slovakia on my Czechs!

   I've set aside 2013 for software updates.

   If you don't star the tweet you can't have any pudding... How can you have any pudding if you don't star the tweet!

   Crabs can't eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.

   I have tweets with one or no stars,, so yes Grandpa, I can imagine what the Vietnam war was like

   Bees.. Bees.. the musical fruit, the more you eat,,,,, the more you get stung in your mouth and throat by bees

   I just went to this restauraunt on the moon.... The food was great but there was like, no atmosphere.. No really,, It took my breath away

   I think the guy in the stall next to me,, is playing tennis.

   Throwing your cat at the intruder & shouting release the hounds does nothing for,,,,,,,, A) Your property... B) Your cat... C) Both...