Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Yoga teacher hates me.... *Puts me in an awkward position.

   LISTEN,, I know I said that I acquired language skills in utero, but perhaps I spoke too soon.

   Trying to get my mom in the Bronx,, to call the hurricane and talk at it until it just gives up and leaves.

   Native American strippers have an unfair advantage. They can make it rain every time they dance.

   Wife wanted to see my posts... We laughed and laughed... I made a run for it, and I got 2 blocks... Running is hard.

   Welcome to Sign Language 101,, Can anyone tell me what this red sign is?.. Anyone?.. Anyone??,, It's a stop sign... How about this yellow one?... No?... Hello?,, What, are you guys deaf?

   If I were a bee, I'd give you all my honey. Then I'd be in big trouble with the queen. I'd get excommunicated from the hive..... Thanks a lot.

   He was a good dog. He was a smart, very good boy. Who was a good dog? Who's a hansome, good boy? Was it you? Yes it was..—---Dog obituary

   If you use the phrase tig ol' bitties with any seriousness, I'm certain that your ancestors weren't happy with how the Civil War turned out.

   I don't want to say our Mom's cooking was bad,,, but, Years Ago,, we just filled the shaker with smelling salt...

   This weekend, I forgot to set the thermostat ahead on my clock,,,, Mine's still set for winter...

   *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into an optometrist...Horse: Will SOMEONE please help me?

   [pees all over your front porch]..... YOU'RE MY WIFE NOW.

   MY MOM ON HER COMPUTER: [please create a password].... MOM: 123abc... [password must be eight characters long],,, "Ummm ok".... passwordmustbeeightcharacterslong

   Horton hears much better after his visit to the otolaryngologist,,, Though he could have done without the "big ears" comment.

   Grammar makes a difference... I punched my grandma in the face. Or.... I punched, my grandma, in t,he face...I don't know what I'm doing

   My grandma fell on the floor, And it ended up being longer than 5 seconds,,, so we're gonna have to let her go.

   I'm sick of having 50 states so I combined some: Michconsin,

   *whispers to the Internet*............. "Look what you did."

   PRO TIP: You can cure most cat allergies,, by putting just a little antifreeze in their water.