Snotty Funny Status Messages

   *looks at packaging for Pillsbury Choc Chip Cookies... "May contain raw eggs"... *Rocky theme plays as I squeeze entire tube down my throat

   “Use divorce, Luke...” – Obi Wan, marriage counselor

   I watch the Disney Channel, to get a sneak peek of Maxim's line up in five year.

   In high school, I used to assist my teacher in Spanish class by "interpretive dancing" her lesson off to the side for "clarification"

   I know enough Spanish to make myself hungry

   Well YES,,,, Actually, I've been published in Several bathrooms throughout the Northeast...

   If what I just did in that Koreatown restaurant bathroom gets back to Kim Jong-un,, we're all doomed

   HEY!!,,,,,They're not letting me post during the intervention for my Facebook addiction.

   If it wasn't for diarrhea,,, I'd have no rhea at all...

   FYI,, All I did from 1988-1994,,,, was try to get the shards of Cap'n Crunch out off the roof of my mouth

   Reality Show Idea: A funeral home where the casket is turned into a mechanical bull.. Whoever rides it the longest gets the person's belongings.

   I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I'm going to dye.

   Women are NOT difficult to understand.................. They're impossible to understand.

   Honk if you're not in your car....... (My new bumpersticker)

   To be or not to be? What a silly question Hamlet... Just let it be,, let it be... J. Macartney

   [At the Border] Officer: “You American?”... Me: “Deep”... *Officer squints*... Me: “Fried”... *squints harder*... Me: “Guns”... "Welcome back, Sir."

   If on Superbowl Sunday, The Broncos win,, I'll shave my chest hair and glue it to the top of my head,,, If they don't, I'll wait till the day after.

   WIFE: Are you even listening to me?... ME: Of course... WIFE: Oh yeah, what did I say?... ME: [smoke bomb]... WIFE: I can still see you... ME: [Another smoke bomb]

   [dog wedding]... [Bride throws bouquet into crowd]... [Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]... [Bride throws bouquet again]... [Groom catches.............. *etc...

   I got a membership to Sam's Club and my name isn't even Sam... *lol,, These guys are idiots.