Funny Status Messages

   I don't have a beer belly, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

   I've got an empty coffee cup and no memory of drinking it. I don't put cream in my coffee, so I think that's a black out.

   Mondays! Pro: Start of a fresh new week! Con: It's still Monday!

   Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

   wondering how wealthy rappers stay so angry

   The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

   got to the bottom of the mountain of laundry and found my favorite sock I thought the dryer ate. Raising both fists in the air and giving a Gladiatorial roar of victory I soon discovered I washed my wallet.....

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."

   My advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the Advil bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   Never look back unless you're planning to go that way

   The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

   Upon receiving my new Thai Bride, I was appalled by the warning that came with the instructions: - "This product may contain nuts"

   I find those "No shirt, no shoes, no service" signs very misleading because they never say anything about having to wear pants. Apparently, I was wrong... now gotta go to court on Thursday...

   I had a fight with my shoelaces this morning. It ended up in a tie.

   My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

   Health plans are like hospital gowns…You only think you're covered.

   ___________________/\_____________\0/_______'' Help Shark''

   in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.

   Answered the door today and a giant grasshopper spit in my face and kicked me hard in the shin , I phoned my doctor and he said not to worry , there was a really nasty bug going around

   I left my cross-eyed girlfriend today. The b*tch was seeing someone else.