Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Flooding, check... Earthquake, check... Hurricane, check,,,, Locusts..where are my damn locusts?......... That's it,, I'm calling the exec. producer

   So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

   i'll be live tweeting my colonoscopy today against the advice of my doctor and these nurses. And ok, here we go,,, OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH

   If the world really had been flat, Americans would have poured pizza sauce on it and eaten it.

   Has anyone considered that Trump might be a Galaxy Note 7?

   23 million?.. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end,,, you can just bury them easier.

   Pick up artist getting bullied: stop hitting on yourself. Stop hitting on yourself

   "What the hell are you doing?"... Making a turducken.. "I'm pretty sure they're supposed to be dead first"

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on,,,, *that's just science

   I never flush a toilet when the power's out cuz I don't know how stuff works.

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a wife

   Gonna call Suze Orman and ask if I can afford to build a Deathstar.

   I hate it when I the most important part of a post

   I love riding my red Mustang into work,,, but I am tired of people complaining about horse crap in the parking lot.

   Someone's overfeeding that damn cat. I mean.. there's something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

   Ha!.. More like social needia, if you ask me....... ....Please go ahead and ask me

   How to laundry like me... 1)Throw all clothes in washer & turn on... 2)Forget about for 7 days... 3)Smells mildew... 4)Repeat steps 1-3... 5)Buy new clothes

   Opening a yoga studio just for dogs called NamaSit&Stay.... *Self,,,,Prepare to be rich

   If Nutella & marshmallow fluff made sweet sweet love & had a baby,,, I would eat that baby.. The End.

   My voting ballot is just an adult coloring book.