andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is “limo window partition” between the front and back seat not an option yet?

   You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can’t teach a cat anything, ever.

   Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together

   Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?

   I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.

   I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"

   I came in like a wrecking ball. Then I realized I had the wrong house. My bad.

   People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.

   I had hoped my facebook page wouldn't lead to stalkers, but some girl named Sallie Mae found my number and has been calling me for months.

   I have had it with Jimmy Crackcorn and his blatant apathy!

   “It’s a frapp!” - Admiral Ackbar, Starbucks barista.

   It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?

   My neighbor has a toilet marked "FREE" on his front lawn. Either offering a free used potty or he's part of the Toilet Liberation Army.

   I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.

   I just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.

   My tombstone will read "should have googled it first."

   Now I ain't saying she's a golddigger, but the spelunking helmet and metal shavings on her work gloves certainly suggest she might be

   I don’t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He’s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

   Click "Like" if you agree that I don't need your validation