Snotty Funny Status Messages

   ME: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup... FLY: Wow, there's a spoon in my pool.... GOD: Sorry this world isn't perfect everyone, LOVE the complaining though... * Shakes head

   *gets pulled over... COP: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"... [I've swapped places with the dog]... ME: "Jake, answer the man"

   🎶Sweet dreams are made of cheese/ Who am I to diss a Brie/ Cheddar the world and the Feta Cheese/ Ev'rybody's lookin for Stilton🎶

   "Frosted Flakes is a part of this complete breakfast,,, which is also complete if you remove the Frosted Flakes."

   COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School??.. COP: ???... ME: Cause you got beat up in High School,,, Sir?

   Ancestry.com: The southern version of eHarmony.

   The trick to everything is have someone else do it.

   I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

   You know when you get the shivers when you pee?.. That's because you just peed out a ghost.

   This is a shout out, to those of you on the toilet right now reading this... Have a good dump. Seriously.

   Yes Comrade,, In America, No one owns a smartphone, the smartphone owns you.

   Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning.... "You mean Diabetes?".. Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases, ooh

   Animal Kingdom Fact: Cheetos are fastest land munchie

   Steps to survive on a dessert island... 1. check spelling... 2. if correct, enjoy

   If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate,,, they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Susan is already taken.

   You guys are SO lucky that I "like" posts on a curve

   What bores me is repetition, i.e. when people repeat themselves. It's boring and repetitive. Boring. Like repetitive posts. They bore me.

   BREAKING NEWS: Game show hosts going on strike... They know their jobs are in Jeopardy,.. but they won't settle until they can get a contract where The Price Is Right.

   BTW,,,,,I'm wearing my Asshat crooked today

   Relationships are all about finding someone that notices all of your faults and reminds you about them daily.